Call off the wedding!

“So what are you going to do?” I asked. Yaa just sat sadly, looking through me, as if she had not heard my question. After a few minutes she sat up to look at my face with tears clouding her eyes.

“Are you saying I should call off the wedding?” She asked pleadingly. “Nope. I'm asking what you are going to do?” I replied “Araba, it’s only a week to the wedding – I can’t stop it. Please try and imagine the repercussions. My parents will be devastated, the monies we've already spent, the invitations. What do we do with the cake, the souvenirs, the…the…” She ended on a sob.

As I sat comforting my friend, I pondered over her situation and thought on how she had gotten to that point.

Yaa was getting married in less than a week and had only found out earlier that week that her husband-to-be, Tony, had two young children from a previous marriage she knew nothing about. She had only found out because Tony’s ex-wife had managed to find out where she worked and visited her in the office with evidence of his previous marriage.

According to the ex-wife, the visit was not to stop the marriage, but to impress on Yaa, woman-to-woman, to convince Tony to help her take care of the children.

Yaa had driven straight to Tony’s house to confront him with the information, to which he promptly admitted. His defence for not telling her however had gotten Yaa absolutely furious. Tony’s defence was that, the subject of his past relationships had never come into question.

Questioning him on his responsibility towards his kids had however gotten Tony furious enough for him to inform Yaa that her role as wife means that she learns to mind her own business and take the instructions of her husband. When Yaa challenged that assertion, she had received a demonstration of what happens to “too-known ladies” – some serious backhanded slaps.

Now she sat in my living room debating the sense in calling off the wedding. I have recently come in contact with quite a number of women who are dealing with major issues of abuse in their marriage.

In talking to them, there is one silent question I often have: “how come you did not see this whiles you were dating?” For the few times I manage to voice the question, I’ve often got a positive response. They did see. Most of them had even got a taste of the abuse, be it emotional or physical, way before the marriage, or had seen it being doled out to another person, a mother, sister or colleague, but for some strange reason they had turned a blind eye to it.

In Yaa’s situation, Tony’s secret family was really never the issue, everyone had a past and when you really loved someone, you also had to learn to forgive their mistakes (even the stupid ones) and accept them. The issue for her, was the abuse. For one, it shocked her, and me, and would have shocked any other person in Yaa’s circles who knew Tony. We all called him a gentleman. The Tony we knew would not hurt a fly.

The Wellness Center of the Santa Clara University, USA, in a recent study outlined some key danger signs to look out for in your partner that could indicate an abusive disposition as you consider going to the Altar: Temper outbursts: Does your partner have outbursts of temper, such as cussing, throwing things or kicking doors, not necessarily directed towards you, but towards anybody or anything?

Sexist attitude: Does your partner have strong ideas about the place and position of women vs. men? For instance, does he insist that "women should know their place" or does she say that men have to act a certain way in relationships to "prove they care"?

Insults: Does your partner put you down for your opinions or laugh at what you believe in? Does he/she make you feel stupid, ignorant, or incompetent?

Psychological abuse: Does your partner make comments such as, "You're no good." Does he/she make you feel that you can't do anything right or that you can't get along in the world without his/her help?

Rage for past relationships: Notice how your partner talks about their ex- or previous dates. Is there a quality of rage in their anger towards a previous relationship and does he/she call the past partner names or use other insulting terms?

Abusive background: Was your partner battered as a child or did he/she see his/her mother or sisters being hit as a child? If so, your partner may need a good bit of counselling before they can be free of this cycle of violence.

Blaming others: Does your partner have a habit of blaming others for what he/she does or what happens to him/her?

Alcohol and drug abuse: Does your partner have a drinking or drug problem?

Verbal or physical abuse towards public: Is your partner verbally or physically abusive towards others, like people in the restaurant, other drivers on the street, people they come in contact with, etc..?

Possessive behavior: Is your partner unhappy or moody when you spend time with your friends or family?

Checking and tracking: Does your partner keep track of where you went, who you met, and how much time you spend somewhere?

Use of force or coercion: Has your partner threatened or actually hit you, or coerced you for sexual act even though he/she apologized profusely and made it up to you? This is a serious sign!!

Over the last couple of years, I’ve met and spoken to young women who really wished they had not gone ahead with their relationships and on hindsight would have said a big NO, even at the Altar. And I encourage all those facing matrimony with partners that you are not entirely sure of to ask yourselves the hard questions and take time to answer them.

If your answer to any of these questions is yes and if you have more yes’s than no – Please, please proceed with caution! I brought my attention back to Yaa and asked the question again “So what are you going to do?”