Marriage, courtship is not ready-made meal; You “cook your own food”

It is unfortunate that many people are not happy in their courtships and marriages today because they are not seeing and experiencing the desires of their hearts.

Courtship or marriage seems to be different from the impressions and dreams they had years ago when they had the bubbling enthusiasm to be in love and settle down with the man or woman of their dreams; and for them to enjoy the special benefits they craved for.

There must be a root cause of this disappointment. One major reason, in my opinion, is the wrong concept which we imbibed about marriage as a kind of finished product that we get into in order to get our problems solved, and for us to enjoy the benefits.

We were not made to know and understand that there is actually no love within the whole idea of “falling in love” or marriage --- am I confusing you? Okay; let’s keep the discussion flowing and see where we can arrive comfortably at a nice conclusion on the same page.

I want us to understand that here is no love in dating, courtship, or marriage. There is really no love in anything (business, investments, education, profession, politics, promotion, position of authority, property, money, fame, fortune, food, re-locating to another city or country for better opportunities, changing jobs, vacations, talents, gifts, church, ministry, or even romance and sex etc.).

LOVE IS IN PEOPLE! LOVE IS NEVER IN ANYTHING OR ANY ACTIVITY. People must use all these opportunities and privileges to have the right mindset and right attitude of heart to develop genuine love within themselves, and use all the relationships and good things of life to cultivate love within their hearts and minds for people.

If you date, court, and marry, and just keep on fetching love and pleasure from the relationship and its benefits without creatively and sacrificially investing and putting in things that will generate love and care for your mate and your family, then I can assure you that the love and pleasure that you came along to enjoy in someone’s company will soon get finished in the “love bucket”. Your relationship balloon with gradually lose all the “romantic air” and become empty, deflated, dry, and boring.

If you are in a romantic relationship or marriage, and don’t feel content because of special expectations you had in mind before meeting your mate, then please stop comparing your courtship or marriage with that of others; and stop pestering the life of your mate to be like someone else. Each of us is unique ---- and you must be proud to be your real self.

Cut your coat according to your size; and find out what works best for the two of you. You can take inspiration and important lessons from other people’s relationships and marriages or homes and families, without forcing to be like them.

Some of us even come along with strong convictions that God has graciously given us the partner we prayed for; but soon after that, when a few storms erupt on the romantic sea, we start thinking and saying that God must have made a mistake in directing us to the wrong person in the wrong boat (or probably we must have deceived ourselves to think we heard God).

Yes, we can make mistakes. But I like what a friend of mine told me several years ago in New York City --- he said: “As for me when I make mistakes, I make them work for me”. He had learned how to make sweet lemonade out of his bitter lemons anytime any lemons showed up in his life, using some sugar and additives of true repentance, humility, prayer, obedience to God’s word, patience, faith, endurance, and wisdom to know what to do with whatever is left, or what is available to use for transformation and progress.

On the other hand, if you are sure from the beginning that you were led to court or marry your partner, then YOU MUST NEVER DOUBT IN DARKNESS, WHAT GOD SHOWS YOU IN THE LIGHT. Live with the assurance that God knows your exact size, and will never give you the wrong shoes to wear at any time in your race of life.

Undue comparison is a huge basis for most frustrations in life. We are not able to appreciate what we have now, and be thankful to God and to the people who are in our lives, while we PATIENTLY WAIT for the rest of the goodies that we so passionately desire and eagerly expect.

No matter your situation, and who is right or wrong in the relationship, ingratitude and ungratefulness can dampen your zeal, cloud your mind and heart from making wise decisions and choices, poison your heart and soul with envy and jealousy, make you anxious, put fear and worry into you, ground you from using your talents and gifts, make you complain and grumble a lot, delay or block your blessings, drain every joy out of your relationship, and hinder your growth and maturity.

Marriage is similar to ingredients of a meal --- tomatoes, onions, pepper, other vegetables, plantain, potato, rice, wheat, cassava, yam, meat, fish, oil, salt, spices etc. given to you for that particular meal. Remember that different people have toiled in farms, gardens, factories, stores and other places to give you their final products that you are going to use as your starting point.

It can be compared with the strenuous and devoted work done on your spouse or lover by parents, relatives, teachers, and friends from birth till you met the person. You will have to work on each ingredient (every aspect of your mate’s life) to peel, remove undesirable parts, cut, slice, steam, boil, bake, season, marsh, grind, salt etc., with meticulous care, diligence, and wisdom as you take or measure the most appropriate proportions for the best meal.

You need FAITH AND PATIENCE to wait and allow the ingredients to get to their right levels of preparation or mixture for digestible and palatable consumption. And you need the appropriate knowledge and wisdom to make it become a balanced diet. You must allow your mate free space with your love and support, for him or her to grow, mature, blossom, bear fruit, and for every part of him or her to become tasty in your ‘marriage meal’, as his or her talents and gifts flourish.

TRUE LOVE GIVES FREEDOM FOR OPERATION. Any kind of love that restricts, controls, domineers, shouts without gentleness, manipulates, drives, pushes, is intolerant, selfishly gets rather than seeking to give, and constantly commands without being considerate, is not genuine love.

If you gave the cooking ingredients to 100 different individuals, each person’s prepared meal will be different, depending on preferences, style of preparation, carefulness, wisdom, diligence, taste, experience, mistakes in the process, and even the type of kitchen and available facilities (the kind of background and living environment of the two lovers).

Some of the things you will later become unhappy with in your relationship or marriage may not even be things that are wrong in themselves, but they would be things you do differently, some things you have never gotten used to, or things you have not lived closely with before you met your mate.

You would have to diligently and lovingly ADJUST and work with your companion till you get used to his or her kind of thinking, ways of operation, and lifestyle. The two of you would have to arrive on a common ground by wise, loving, sacrificial, and appropriate compromises that give up some things on both sides, and mutually gain some good things on each side as well, which you can share together for maximum satisfaction and mutual success. Find out values and principles that you share together, and use that as foundation to build strong intimacy.

THAT IS WHY YOU NEED TO DO ALL YOU CAN TO KNOW THE PERSON AS BEST AS POSSIBLE BEFORE YOU MARRY HIM OR HER. THAT IS THE REASON WHY YOU MUST ACTIVELY ENGAGE IN OPEN-MINDED, PRINCIPLED, PURE, SELFLESS, AND DILIGENT COURTSHIP BEFORE THE MARRIAGE. TRUE KNOWLEDGE IS WHAT WE USE TO RELATE AND LIVE WITH PEOPLE.

Our problem is that we are erroneously programmed in our minds and exposed to the wrong education, plus outmoded customary practices that train us to focus only on the desirable qualities that suit our selfish tastes for us ALONE to benefit and become happy in the courtship or marriage, without consideration of the necessary changes that must accompany the interests and well-being that God will want to use us to build in the life of our lover, spouse, or friend. You need God’s wisdom in order to really know what to do, and what not to do.

Therefore do not probe, plan, and strive along the marriage or courtship path all by yourself. From personal experience, I strongly suggest that you seek the face of the Lord for wisdom and direction, as you make time to study and meditate on God’s word consistently, and pray fervently for a successful future.

“If any of you lacks wisdom (what to do with the knowledge you possess about the person in your life, and about courtship or marriage), let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given him” (James 1:5).

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and He shall direct your paths” (Proverbs 3:5, 6).

Written by Dr. Samuel Kisseadoo, Biology Professor, Ordained and Licensed Minister, and International Evangelist; Relationships, Marriage, and Family Counselor. E-mail: kisseadoo@msn.com. Website for resources: www.fruitfulministriesint.com.