Spyglass: Tips on how to crumble your business

Last weekend I elected to rest my brain in the wet and mucky city of K-Town reading "Because of Women".

Unfortunately, when I got to the point where Ngoso "began to touch Ewudu's breasts in order to excite her again and it was easy because he was still in her, strong and straight and presently he was on her again and he was saying to himself that it was because, yes, because, because of women that life was really good, yes, really good…" my blood began to boil.

It was a nasty weather as I started to reflect on the possibility of raiding the flesh industry when a thunderclap of oaths assailed my ears. They weren't namby-pamby oaths or mere expressions of indecency. Each word that rolled out of the mouths downstairs was raw as iron ore, all of them unprintable.

From my hotel window, I espied more than half a dozen free girls sexily dressed with most parts of their bodies uncovered even in the chilly weather. They went round the corner trading a fair amount of curses.

Since darkness was beginning to fall, I dog-eared the Ewudu page and stepped out, strolled towards goat pepper soup, my shoes squelching in the two-inch thick chocolate-brown carpet of mud. I made a mental note to use a little to butter my bread the following morning.

The pepper soup was spicy hot, smelling just a whiff like goats smell when they are still alive. And it went down well with a frothing bottle of Mutzig. I hit my third bottle in twelve minutes and belched for the fifth time that evening, clouds of goat-smelling smoke drifting through my nostrils, and was beginning to smell like a goat when my cell phone vibrated.

It was one of my soul brothers. Joining me in under five minutes, we settled to general banter until he asked me a very hackneyed question; how do people often crumble their businesses? When I hesitated, he called for a fresh round of Mutzig; we are both hard core fans of Mutzig. Then I went straight to the point.

If you want to crumble your business, it is simple enough. Proceed like a idiot without adequate financial and accounting know-how. And no vision as to where you are going. Before the business actually starts off, begin, if there are other persons hovering around in the hope of getting into partnership with you, to wish loudly at meetings that you were the CEO/President. Do it three or four times, stealthily edge out any ambitious partners and conveniently begin to call yourself CEO in the hearing of your partners. Then, bam! Make yourself CEO.

As the business picks up, develop, and maintain a stern contempt for other humans, especially those who work with, and for you. Treat them as if you picked them from the gutters and surely, they will adore you, thus making you more royal than the king and holier than the pope. Exhibit injured emotions when anyone demonstrates that they could be better than you. These tips seemed to tickle my soul brother. He crossed his legs and clasped his hands behind his head.

Now you must be wondering how to cut down on overhead costs? Soul brother nodded, a thin smile creasing his face.

If one of your workers goes absent, ask your footstool to go find out if the arsehole is really ill. Obviously, this will bring a boom to your business. But for Christ's sake, why should the business boom for the gutter snipes to feed fat from it? After all, "monkey di work, baboon di chop!" My soul brother broke out in a loud laughter.

You are laughing? It works!

There are many ways of crumbling an otherwise booming business. If the business requires gadgets, for Christ's sake, don't buy any of these. They are an unnecessary drain on your capital. They don't move the business an inch. Always put the possibility of their purchase at bay. If the need arises for any of them, you can borrow! Why not?

There is a place for that too!

A boom in business should fire your emotional connections with people. Buy a Lamborghinis with the most advanced entertainment technology on the market, not to mention some of the plushest interiors. Put it in the name of a service car but knowing that it is your car. The business will take care of the fuel, the driver and maintenance, of course. What remains of the loan, invest in fabulous meals, frothing drinks and female company.

To crown all these tips, let confusion never weary you. Cultivate a special admiration for breath of confusion and often put up with length for the sake of it. Make practical jokes suit your tastes far better than verbal jokes.

Coach the gutter snipes that toil for you to crack good jokes of the kind that make you convulse with hearty laughter and thus cause confusion as the surest visa to your favour, while the urchins laugh away their miseries. And then you will oversee your precious business boat sink gently, slowly and painlessly with you clinging at the head of the mast. Midnight and a dozen and one bottles were behind us when we parted.