Beer Jokes

Management Quotes

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for
people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here
are some of the submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access
the building using individual security cards. Pictures will
be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their
cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred
Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we
will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.
It should be used only for company business. (Accounting
manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that
are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing
manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the
schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one
day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy
for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell
them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page
proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I
gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I
gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing
what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her
funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he
said she died so that I would have to miss work on the
busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her
burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the
company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management
saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued
today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft,
Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to
him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if
tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it
tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of
communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our
company's training programs and materials.

In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the
"pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals.
The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I
was called into the HR director's office, and told that the
executive vice president wanted me out of the building by
lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand
for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally
he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be
fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR
manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up
in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send
back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of
it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out
directing us that no words which could not be found in the
local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A
month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I
created my resignation memo by pasting words together from
the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a
nationally-circulated memo from a large communications
company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote
constant attention on current procedures of transacting
business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if
not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent

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