The Official Drinking Scale - UK Perspective
0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of
2 - Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid
complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice
3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while
blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen
complimented on his boxers. Partially visible when bending to
get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about
bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisp one by one.
5 - Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise
fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out
cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world
over except for the bloody French.
6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat.
Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell
them you love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them
you love them and they still have an amazing arse.
7 - Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with
boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of
love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room.
Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed off. You buy him a Long
Island Iced Tea.
8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room.
Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by
one. Fall over. Get up.
9 - Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer
comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight
nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before
seeing out of order sign.
10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse
at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you
offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale
head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find
door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub
cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.
12 - Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home.
Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local
football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone.
Pass out again.