How To Get Out of Work
I won't be coming to work today because:
1. If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to
work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an
hour and the other half back an hour, I can never remember
which it is-accordingly, I will be in late or early.
3. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking
my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work.
4. I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreen's.
5. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit
disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won't
be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking
with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
6. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally,
shouldn't come to work, knowing my employee records may now
7. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He
even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I
8. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.