Christmas Jokes

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't
need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers.
I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply: I want
to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or
anything. just one good smack, right across her smug little
cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't
grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women
across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction,
you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading
average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious
living.

We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates
match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for
dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make
centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're
plumb
out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish
variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce,
spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let
alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little
harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't
catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend.
I'm surprised there
was enough room on the page for her ego. We discovered that
not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered
it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is
Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she
could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a
microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said
this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well
lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa! That lovely microwave you
brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make
complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been
declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee
maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of
dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can
you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my
dishes make
it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my
house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade
holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing
silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just
scarves, mind you. Amazing
scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a
little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such
frequency that one has to wonder
if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the
90s", and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in
stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a
towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new
friends."

Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They
drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne
from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in
shimmering satin gowns, whisked
away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days
pondering the fine art of toilet bowl sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of
America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine
(nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline
Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt). The proof
of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed
peaches in the supermarket, Martha says,
"People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were
all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a
bridge.

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha
gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh
wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've
suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too
much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade.
What a show off. If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to
how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272
books from the Knopf Everyman
Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change,
really. Just $5,000. But what is the price friendship,
right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha
replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a
natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should
listen to them." Zaslow
must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point,
because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be
held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It
is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.
And of
her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an
"important presence" as she graciously helps people organize
their sad, tacky little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever
someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But
I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to
smack her yourself.

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