'Twas the Night After Christmas
'TWAS THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS"
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube
socks hung empty, no candies or toys, and I was camped out on
my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't talking to me or my
wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their
lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I
watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and
looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn
to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller
named Claus." I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named
Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I
said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?"
The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big
beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full
of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man
I'm describing is dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth
now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell
me what you've seen." Well I started to lie then I thought
what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've
spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I
thought that my wife had been drinking again." When she
walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought
maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a
bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on
the roof of our good neighbour Red. Well I ran outside to
look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison
standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin'
as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did
run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I
thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out
bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But
he went about his business like he hadn't a care. So I popped
a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he
jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."