Christmas Jokes

Santa Claus 2000

A new contract for Santa has finally been
negotiated . . . Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will
no longer be able to serve Southern United States on
Christmas Eve. Due
to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my
contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and
Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Oregon,
Nevada, Washington,
Montana and California. As part of the new and better
contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good
hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal
of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,
there are a few
differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents
from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a
bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and
Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on
the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so
please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin'
coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning
him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now
overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen
..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On
Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on
Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you
also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd
dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh
does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the
words "Back off" The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh
back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race
through the letters and the other is a caricature of me
(Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on
34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in
your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg
Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring
Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make
sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he
bends over to put
presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about
me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's
"Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba
Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the
South. Those song title will be Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got
Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

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