Christmas Jokes

Organizational Changes at the North Pole

TO: Public Release


RE: Organizational Changes at the North Pole


The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected
to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a
good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and
about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of
dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home
shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished
Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit
further erosion of the profit picture.


The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the
purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual
trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who
summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated.
Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable
press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will
not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the
North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible
language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way,
not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph
"a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share
of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of
Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year
when he is known to be under executive stress.


As a further restructuring, today's global challenges
require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more
competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following
economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of
Christmas" subsidiary:


The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never
turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be
replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable
savings in maintenance;


The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply
not cost effective. In addition, their romance during
working hours could not be condoned. The positions are
therefore eliminated;


The three French hens will remain intact. After all,
everyone loves the French;


The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice
mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is
underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how
often and how long they talked;


The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity
could have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix
of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;


The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no
longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the
production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of
the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and
an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will
assure management that from now on every goose it gets will
be a good one;


The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in
better times. The function is primarily decorative.
Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be
retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance
their outplacement;


As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been
under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in
the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids
consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;


Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This
function will be phased out as these individuals grow older
and can no longer do the steps;


Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords
plus the expense of international air travel prompted the
Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with
ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be
somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we
expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;


Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a
simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with
a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will
produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom
line;


We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people,
fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete,
studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days
is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service
levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the
attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal
profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.


Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may
be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that
happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the
Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right
number.

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