Santa is NOT a woman
Santa Claus is not a woman. Here's why:
First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the
department store would never move because Santa would feel
the need to 'bond' with every kid that sat on her lap. The
elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too
busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do NOT make your
butt look fat."
* Soot is a female irritant * Women don't know how to change
the lightbulb in Rudolph's nose * Most women surveyed said
they prefer little or no facial hair * Elves are not personal
servants * Nice girls don't walk around saying 'Ho' * Mrs.
Claus is not a lesbian.
Also, the sleigh and the reindeer are not equipped with an
automatic transmission, a cell phone or vanity mirrors. If
Santa was female, she wouldn't have white hair, she'd be the
North Pole poster child for 'Clairol Brunette # whatever'.
Santa Chick would only bring junk like 'Easy Bake' ovens,
Baby 'Pukes 'n Craps', and worst of all - CLOTHES - to all
the little kids in the world because they're far less
threatening than really cool toys like 'Johnny Thermo-nuclear
Warhead' or 'Rock-em Sock-em Robots' or 'GI Joe Talking
Adventure Team Commander with Kung Fu Grip'.
And when you leave a plate of cookies out on the kitchen
table on Christmas Eve, Santa samples each one to prove he
was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole damn cookie jar
would be missing and and there'd be a sea of empty Ben &
Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor.
As far as that red velvet suit is concerned, Mrs Claus
withheld sex until Santa agreed to wear it.
And if all that doesn't prove without a doubt that Santa is
a guy, consider this verse from the poem: T'was The Night
"He spoke not a word but went straight to his
If Santa was female, that line would have read:
"She never shut up, so Christmas was cancelled..."
Yep, Santa's a guy alright, as are most mythical holiday
characters (with the exception of the Easter Bunny, thanks to